someone who.
An Original Piece Written by Madison McMullin
Originally Produced August 06, 2019
This is a long one :)
Please enjoy this playlist for the soul as you read + maybe after, too.
Love always.
Mads ♡
i don’t need anyone.
i am whole and complete on my own.
and i love myself.
i have learned that letting people in often disturbs my peace and causes me to overthink.
but i’ve also recently learned that it isn’t because i let them in, its because i’m insecure about myself.
not insecurity in the sense that i don’t like who i am, but in that someone else potentially might not;
more-so, that someone might be able to change the way that i feel about myself.
my entire life
i’ve been misjudged by people and pushed away by people
who were supposed to care about me.
and i always wondered why.
but i’ve realized that it was never about them, it was always about me.
i’ve realized that it was a reflection of the way i misjudged myself.
not only that, but also the way i perceive things and the false reality i put myself into.
it doesn’t matter if one person doesn’t like me.
it doesn’t matter if i don’t like myself sometimes.
because i’m allowed to feel.
and i’m allowed to voice my opinion.
and these are always changing.
i trust that the universe will check me and bring people into my life that challenge my bad habits,
make me think deeper and allow my love to grow stronger.
i’m always such a people pleaser and i have learned to love that about myself, but i’ve also always known that this is my biggest flaw.
it’s not because i love people that i want to please them, but because i always felt like i owed them something.
but i don’t owe anyone anything.
and they don’t owe me anything either.
my entire life
i’ve been trying to understand
why people didn’t love me
but i’ve realized
that that was never really the question.
the question has always been
why can’t i accept the way other people love me?
everyone has a way of loving
and
everyone has a way they like to be loved.
the problem is that people rarely ever communicate these with each other
and communication becomes harder and harder in any relationship
if it is not built with talking.
comfortability and conformity set in,
creating most of the relationships we see today.
many of these lacking love and even respect.
setting and defining your boundaries is key
in understanding how you can love other people
because it builds respect for separate entities.
accepting that not everyone speaks love in the same language
and that differences arise is major
in learning how to let people in
and
allowing them to love you.
when we don’t set boundaries,
we are telling ourselves that our values and thoughts are invalid.
rather than encouraging ourselves,
we are discouraging the self and everyone around us.
we are avoiding the love and instead,
making things transactional.
we are acting solely on instincts instead of intuition.
and most of all,
we are limiting ourselves from our full potential.
throughout my life,
i’ve encountered so many males,
and even females,
that attempted to love me in a way
that they thought i wanted to be loved.
but the thing is,
i never told them how to do that.
i never let them into my head
or even allowed them to understand me.
i’ve always tried to build a persona that i think people would like.
that’s why my personality would change with every encounter.
i’ve since realized
upon reflection
that the universe was behind these encounters.
it was trying to love me this entire time,
but i neglected to communicate how that could be done.
and this lack of communication was a result of never learning to love myself,
first.
the problem was
that i didn’t recognize
that i was capable
and more so,
that i deserved that love.
essentially,
i disregarded myself
as a human being with feelings and emotions
that are valid and have experiential backing.
in the past months
i’ve learned more about myself
than i have in the past 19 years.
but this was only because i was actually listening to myself
and my intuition.
i’ve learned through other people,
other encounters and different situations
and even some internal interactions with the different spheres of myself.
and now i am finally able to set my boundaries,
not because i want to be with someone else in a romantic relationship,
but because i understand that without doing so,
there is no possibility for one to ever occur or come into fruition.
not only this,
but i now understand that boundaries should be applicable to all of the relationships we have,
whether they’re familial or platonic or sexual.
in order for someone to love me,
they need to be able to grasp that i am a divine being with masculine and feminine parts intertwined.
i am a vessel of knowledge and understanding,
but also heartbreak and sorrow.
in order to feel loved, i need mutual trust.
a trust that can only be possible
if both first trust in the forces around them
and the universe as a whole.
i need a relationship that has value and understanding
and isn’t just based on interaction or surface feelings,
but one that delves deeper into another reality.
i need respect.
for my mind,
my time,
for my values
and for my body,
but most of all
for my path and my journey.
i need someone
with an understanding of perspectives
and different opinions.
not opinions that are judgmental,
but that are constructive and fruitful.
i don’t want someone
who wants to please me.
i want someone who is able to,
without even thinking twice about it.
someone who understands me so well,
that they are able to speak my love language.
and even if they aren’t,
they’re willing to grow and learn
in order to be able to.
i want someone who doesn’t think
i’m crazy
for my thoughts or change in thoughts;
someone who
doesn’t see me as insane,
but sees the sanity in my outrageous thoughts or decisions.
i want a someone who
isn’t afraid to tell me
not to say things like “i hate myself” or “i suck.”
more than that,
i want someone who
understands me
for feeling that way,
and knowing that it’s not how i feel deep down.
i want someone
to understand
the layers of my soul.
from all the deep hidden secrets,
to the brightest days.
someone who gets
that i need my alone time
but that i also have moments
where i need external love too.
someone who doesn’t fight with me,
but talks through my thoughts and me through theirs.
someone who doesn’t want to change me,
but instead accepts that i will successfully use my surroundings
in order to grow and blossom
as a human being
and that they should actively work
to do this as well.
i want someone who
loves me for who i am,
but also understands
that i will change.
someone who actively encourages me to change,
and works with me to understand myself
and their own being more thoughtfully.
someone who gets that my experiences,
with or without them,
will continue to mold me
and guide me into being
a better source of energy for the world.
a person who doesn’t think
that me being nice to people is me “flirting”
or fishing for attention.
someone who doesn’t mentally constrain me
or my thoughts
and make me feel smaller than i am.
i want to be free in my own world,
while they simultaneously live in theirs.
sometimes our worlds will collide,
and then we may share our love and experiences with one another.
i desire someone
who doesn’t become attached to the physical world
and understands that we are eternal beings
with much more purpose than we realize.
someone who
understands me
spiritually and physically and emotionally.
someone who gets
that my soul takes different forms
when it encounters other souls.
a person that understands
my love will not always look the same.
that i am critical because i care,
not because i am judging.
someone who knows
that love isn’t always sunshines and butterflies.
that sometimes there’s scary moments
and sometimes there’s grief
and sometimes there’s growing pains.
i crave someone
that knows sometimes i feel so deeply,
it consumes me.
someone who gets
that i don’t always say how i’m feeling
because i don’t always feel confident enough,
but knows
that if you’re paying attention
you’re still able to feel my aura.
i want them to know
that sometimes
i don’t express my feelings fully
because i am uncertain of them as a whole.
someone who is able to see past
all of my false realities
and through to the real me.
ultimately,
someone who is intimate with me,
not just in a sexual way,
but in a way that stimulates
my mind and my soul.
someone who
listens when i’m talking to them.
a person who
doesn’t say things unless they really mean them
and doesn’t make promises on things they can’t deliver.
someone who is realistic and sensible,
but also in touch with their feelings and sensitive.
someone who sees me as a whole,
with two realms of thinking;
rather than a half of that same whole.
only then
will i want to accept the love.
because they will know that
they do not need me
and i do not need them.
we are two wholes orbiting
in the same realm.
we will mutually understand
that we are on the same frequency
and that we will only remain
as one consciousness
if we discuss and talk
about our feelings and our realities
with respect and while refraining from judgement.
i want love.
not a codependent relationship
with false assumptions
and fractured emotions.
i want it all.
or i want nothing at all.
i want pure love.
not love falsified by assumptions and miscommunication.
and not molded by preconceived notions of what they think is real,
but what really is.
i want someone who stands by me
as i work to better myself as a whole,
while they work to achieve the same.
and if it surfaces,
sometimes that love doesn’t always
stay with two people.
love molds
and transforms itself
into so many different shapes
and in many different ways.
even if it does stay between two people,
it still does this.
it’s the most complex thing in this world
and we think we understand it,
but we don’t.
we only understand our version of it.
you see it in people everywhere.
their way of loving is fostered
from their belief of what love is.
to everyone,
loving someone takes a different form.
but the purest form of love
is being able to let go.
even if it’s just for a minute or a day
or just an interaction,
being able to let a person
experience their own experiences
and grow in their own time,
that’s true love.
love,
just like us,
has an evolution.
it has evolved through all of us
in different ways
and at different degrees.
love used to be expressed in noises,
now we express it through
underexposed emotions
and false agreements
with things
we don’t even believe in.
but we do either of these actions
because at our cores,
we have a need to find
this thing we call love;
we crave to be connected with other humans.
but it’s not enough
to just have a deep desire
for this emotion,
we must actively work at it
in order to fulfill
our evolutionary needs.
we fail to set boundaries
so we’re unable to understand
that other people
are allowed
to formulate their own as well.
this causes us
to be blind
to their feelings
and their expression
of those feelings.
most of all,
we’re unable to
see ourselves as wholes
without another human.
we attach because we cannot cling
to life with our own energy.
but we’re allowed to be individuals.
we’re allowed to have our own energies
and think in different ways.
and we’re allowed to be successful in our individuality.
and most of all,
we’re allowed to love other individuals.
the individual is often disregarded,
but in truth
it is the most important part
of creation.
because through the individual
we can be a part of a whole.
without the individual,
the whole doesn’t even exist.
it just is.
but individuality doesn’t mean
being just a male or just a female.
it means encompassing all of creation within yourself.
it means harnessing
all of your physical and spiritual power
in order to create a life that you love to live,
while also knowing
that this is just a temporary phase in eternity.
being an individual means
setting boundaries
and understanding other people
as a physical manifestation
of their ancestors’ mental, physical, masculine and feminine properties.
knowing that they are not a result of just their environment,
but of the people that came before them.
just as you are.
individuality is love.
and it is the strongest form of it
because once we learn to love ourselves,
we learn to love where we come from,
even if we don’t know exactly what or where that is.
from this,
we are able to foster ourselves into a fruitful relationship
with the world
through the internal atmosphere
that love creates.
love is really the driver of all creation,
with evolution acting as the catalyst.
we are working towards love.
whether we realize it or not,
that is the goal.
and that is what we already are,
only if we are willing to accept it.
