Our relationship with food is one of the most distorted relationships of our time. And it has everything to do with our relationship with our self. We have come so far from the true nature of what it means to be in harmonious serenity with the whole that we forget our interconnectedness. We forget that we are supposed to rely on one another. We are supposed to use each other for life. We are meant to hold each other up. It is the nature of duality; the nature of life. Two halves of the same whole working together. We’ve learned that comfortability is sameness; that staying the same is what will keep us safe. So we stick to our routines, we stick to our diets, we stick to the same self-talk that keeps us in the same cycles of misery. And that serves its purpose. But if there’s anything that I’ve learned from my life experience, it’s that life isn’t always meant to stay the same. Life is meant to change. Life is meant to fluctuate. We are meant to change. We are meant to fluctuate.

For most of my life, I was conditioned to eat processed foods. I was taught that they were good snacks and that they served as a good source of “happiness.” I learned that I could acquire these “good” things by being a “good” child. Then, as I got older, I realized the true impact that processed foods have/had on my physical body. I realized what processed sugars do - form cancer. I learned this first-hand from many of my family members who all indulged in these “goodies” and who also all contracted cancer. I learned that sometimes even when something tastes good, it isn’t really good for you.

In my experience with plant medicine, I’ve had some very profound realizations. I’ve been working intuitively with Marijuana for the past 10 years of my life and through this process, I’ve gone through periods of semi-consciousness to super-consciousness. I’ve understood my body in ways I’ve never thought possible before. It wasn’t until after experiencing a severely traumatic death that I realized the ways in which this medicine can be used to distort reality. So, because I knew that the medicine could be used to distort reality, I knew it could be used to mold reality as well.

For so long, I was so afraid of eating certain foods because I had a severe fear of getting sick, like many of those in my family did. I was so afraid of getting sick from eating “bad” foods that I wouldn’t eat at all. I developed a restrictive eating disorder by the age of 13 and began limiting myself in so many areas of my life. But, it started with the food. Partially because I blamed myself for what I experienced as a child and so this was the one way I knew of punishing myself - and it was also the way in which many parents punish (or reward) their children (ex. if you do this, i’ll get you your favorite treat).

During the time that I experienced a near-death experience, I was still actively utilizing Mary to “heal” - or so I thought. I was working on my subconscious beliefs, but in many ways, I was neglecting the parts of myself that were crying out for help. I learned that I needed to work really hard in order to be successful, but Mary was trying to teach me that success is in being; not in doing. I began comparing my life to others and started wondering what I could do “better’ - how I could get on God’s “good side” (another conditioned belief I learned from having an overly-religious family).

When I was 19, I decided to go full vegan. I began developing aversions to eating for a variety of different reasons; one of them being an immune deficiency brought on by mental health failure and overuse of alcohol. I learned to cope with these issues by smoking. And thus, a new addiction formed. I would use Mary to curve my hunger and boost my creativity; producing more dopamine with less energy each time.

The thing about plant medicine’s, though, is that they will not let you attach to them. And if you try, they will help you in ruining your own life. Because karma is a bitch and they follow the laws of the universe to a T.

So of course, I tried to use Mary as an excuse. But then, it got to the point where even restricting myself from that wasn’t enough. I had to restrict myself from everything. I stopped smoking. I stopped eating mostly everything. I got so comfortable in my patterns. I sucked myself into my own cycle of death (which looked really pretty to others who didn’t know what was going on). On the outside I was eating really “healthy” (all organic foods); I was working on my business (with so much resentment); I had people who cared about me (only superficially + in matters where it could benefit them). On the inside I knew that was I was doing was futile. I kept pushing. And I kept wondering why nothing was going how I planned.

It wasn’t until my skin started breaking out like never before (i’ve always had pretty good skin), that I realized something was seriously wrong. I didn’t understand how it could all be connected, but my intuition was telling me that it was. I began experimenting with food again. I began eating meat again. I began uncovering the history of my lineage and understanding our collective shadow in a way that helped me to understand myself.

I REALIZED:

What I was experiencing was a severe hormonal imbalance from food restriction.

AND THEN, IT HIT ME:

It was never about what diet I was on. It was never about my family. It was never about the use of plant medicines. It was never about the “good” or the “bad". My cravings were there trying to teach me something that everyone before me had missed all along. What was that? That pushing things away from yourself only makes them bigger.

I went vegan with the intention of “saving the world” and “saving my health.” But the truth is, the world doesn’t need saving. And neither do I. You are healthy, until you think you aren’t. Your choices are in alignment, until you think they aren’t. You are a divine being moving in alignment with God, until you allow outside perceptions in that say otherwise.

I was restricting myself in a means of trying to make myself “better,” but all I ended up doing was making life that much harder on myself.

Your gut and your brain are so closely connected. When you are thinking thoughts that limit your well-being, your body responds by choosing foods that limit your ability to create well-being around you (processed foods). When you are in alignment with the whole, you understand that no food can hurt you, but there are foods that are better for creating the energy you desire.

It’s okay to eat what you want to eat. It’s okay to follow your cravings.

But why are you craving it? Is it because you’re craving security? How can you give yourself that feeling first? Does the craving change?

Intuitive eating isn’t about following a diet type; intuitive eating isn’t about saying you will do something and not do something else. It’s about asking yourself, “is this decision in alignment with the world I am trying to create?”

I still eat a lot of vegan foods. I love plants. I always will. AND I often feel better when my diet doesn’t include dairy or heavy meats/excess seafood. But what I’ve found is the most important aspect is: BALANCE.

I don’t see anything wrong with veganism, if the right resources are available to you. But sometimes, we don’t always have the right resources. AND sometimes, it’s not our responsibility to absorb what other’s are doing on the planet. But for someone who has struggled with mental health and eating disorders for most of her life, I can also see the pressure this may place on one individual to do the work for the entire whole. If you’re vegan and you love it, props to you. If you’re not, props to you. ACCEPTANCE is the answer. Judgement will only bring more divide. Divide is what creates disease; no matter what you’re eating. Life isn’t about creating more division; it’s about coming back into unity with what we feel is right for us. We are our own universes. We make our own decisions. We are our own sovereign beings. And yes, we can share our experiences and opinions.

BUT OUR INTUITION ALWAYS LEADS US IN THE DIRECTION OF OUR TRUEST DESIRES.

in what ways are you listening to yours?

our relationship with food is only one reflection of the relationship that we have with ourselves, but our relationship with food is also one of the longest standing relationships we have with this universe; it is what we utilize to help us sustain ourselves + provide our well-being in more ways than one. looking at your relationship with food (or lack thereof) can be a great indicator of the ways in which your mental health is limiting you in creating the life you desire.

click here to learn about the holistic water i utilized to help me heal some of my deep rooted gut issues, generational trauma + limiting beliefs surrounding life, food + relationships in general.

dive deeper; enroll in my deliberate manifestation course that will help you to understand your relationship with food, your environment, surroundings, etc. + help you to manifest a life full of ease, well-being + long-lasting success.