redefining abuse.

Last year, 

I was involved in the one of the most mentally + emotionally abusive experiences of my life. I conformed to settling for a relationship that I never really wanted, all because the outside world it was something “I should have” or “should experience.” I always strived for greatness in my life. I never let a boy dismantle my sense of self or well-being. At least, I thought I wasn’t allowing that. I thought I was creating happy, loving relationships. But the distortion was in that I actually knew what that looked like; that any of us knew what that looked let alone FELT like.

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I never knew what a real, loving, stable relationship should look or feel like because I never had that modeled for me growing up. BUT I WANTED IT SO BAD. So. I looked towards movies and shows to give me the feelings that I wanted. To show me what relationships “should” be like… and in doing that, I forgot that I had the power to create anything that I wanted. That I could create something new entirely. That I could have everything I wanted. Regardless of what other people said. And in my weakness, in one of the lowest moments of my life, after experiencing my own mental abuse, I succumbed to the abuse of another. And it wasn’t all bad. Trust me, that’s how they get you. 
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I was allowing myself to experience severe PTSD from what I had experienced in this life, as well as past lives. I was allowing myself to repeat the patters that were leading me in this direction over and over again. It wasn’t my fault, but I did play my role. It was no one’s fault. We were all simply cooperating with source.

The narcissist isn’t a villain. He’s a hero. He is both. He is the person who changes your perspective. But he’s also the person who breaks you down to your core. And the only way this manifests on the outside, is if your internal dialogue permits it on the inside. And I did, for so long, without even realizing it.

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When I decided to leave, I felt really good for saying no. But it didn’t end with me leaving. That was only the beginning of unraveling. Once I left, I found that the voice in my head didn’t go away. The abuse was still happening. And it was all mental. It was manifesting into my physical body. It was me creating dis-ease for myself. It was my own mind that was “betraying” me.

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I was my own abuser. I was manipulating myself into believing that I had to be or do something or someone else in order to feel validated or seen. I felt like my own being wasn’t enough; like no matter what, I couldn’t take up enough space to be seen. I couldn’t share my truth because even my own self would distort it. Because I never really allowed myself to listen to how I was truly feeling.

Unworthy.

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There are so many things that we think we know about ourselves but we really don’t. There are so many stones left unturned, so many books left unread. In our innocence, we create scenarios for ourselves to experience our internal reality. But how can you know what you’re creating if you don’t even want to be present within your own physical vessel?

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It wasn’t until I met someone, “fell in love,” that I realized that love is a lie. Love is not true unless you are true. Love is a reflection of you. And so last year, after realizing that I had been the one abusing myself my entire life, I sat in deep regret and wanted to blame everyone around me. I wanted to hate the world for the way that I was treating myself. But it was no one’s fault. Not even my own. There is no blame. Only acceptance. 

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And this strengthened my entire being. But it didn’t happen overnight. It took me running away from myself, from my feelings, from what I truly experienced to understand WHY I wanted to experience that, why I wanted to grow in that way to begin with. I chose that experience. And I do not regret a single moment of it. 

But it did hurt, there’s no denying that.

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If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from this experience:

It is that if you love someone, tell them. If they don’t believe you, that’s not on you. You are responsible for your own emotions. That’s it. You can’t make someone else believe something they don’t want to believe, no matter how true it is for you. 

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Sometimes, it’s best to just agree to disagree.

And let sleeping dogs lie. 

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You don’t need to hurt to feel love.

Love is a non-negotiable.

Your worthiness is not a determining factor for the love you receive.

Your ability to receive love is your ability to receive life.

Life is love.

Accept.

do you do any of these things? if so, it’s okay. it’s not your fault, either. sometimes we pick up these tendencies from our parents; sometimes we allow ourselves to repeat these patterns from past lives. regardless, it is important to understand where these feelings are manifesting from + reduce their occurance in our lives through conscious thought + action.

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in my manifestation course, module 222, i dive deep into how you can uncover these emotional wounds yourself + jumpstart your healing process. check it out here.